Crossposted to great_write_way

[arliss]

Breath

And then the sun slips down
below the cloak of grey the sky
has worn this day.

There's wonder in this gilded world
of promise, and the hope
gone missing, recent days.

This golden city, set in shining hills,
is mere illusion; in a single
exhalation the sun is gone

the world consigned to dullness
and the grey of everyday, dusk
and quickly, dark.

We huddle close to ground
for meagre warmth, the memory
of sun, and hope for dawn.

Comments

[serasempre.livejournal.com]

This is lovely. I love the rhythm.

[fufaraw]

Thank you. I tried to make it not sing-song, but I fall very easily into rhythm. The trick is not to be too facile about it.

[sail-aweigh.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful. It left me breathless.

[fufaraw]

Thank you. The first stanza needs reworking. The cloak-wearing image is too precious, and the slant rhyme bothers me, but it got the rest of it kicked off, and that was what I needed. I'll post it when it's done.