Miss Muffet, hell.

Nghyyyaarrgghhclhh. Ngggh. Nggggh. Yyyygghllchh. (shudder. twitch.) Nngggnh.

I just started downstairs to put Mom to bed. I opened the door to the landing, which is in the house, at the top of her living room stairs. Something dark flitted across the top of my vision. I thought it was a moth, since they do get in from time to time. And then I saw it. Not.a.moth. It was a freakin' spider.

I don't actually mind spiders. I have a couple of "pets" on the deck that I'm careful not to harm, since they stay put and I know where their webs are, and they catch the bitey bugs. I even think they're rather attractive, in their gaudy striped suits. I've always captured spiders inside, when I could, or could talk a more dextrous kid into it, and put them out. I only kill when the buggers won't be caught, and I always spare a little regret.

This was freakin Shelob. Black, solid dense black as so few spiders actually are, and damn fuzzy, like it was a flocked toy. Not Shelob-like in that the legs were long in proportion to the body, which was the frippin size of my thumb.

Ngyghaaahh. Nyyergh.

So I whipped back inside and called H, who had just gone to bed. "Wha?"

I raised my voice and spoke clearly. "Get.your.glasses. Get.your.shoes. Put.them.on. Get.the.swatter. Come.here." That got him. He appeared at my side in short order, armed and wide awake. "What?"

"Spider.Black.Fuzzy.Huge. Git 'im," I pointed. He stepped out onto the landing and looked where I had pointed. For a long time without saying anything.

"I did NOT dream it."

"I see it." Wham! Wham! WHAMWHAM!

He walked back in with the corpse on the outstretched swatter. It twitched. Gnyarghh. The legs were two and a half inches long, easy. Plus the body--three-quarters if not an inch wide. We're talking roughly six inches, people, dead black, no markings, and freakin' fuzzy. In calmer times I might have put it in a jar and tried to identify it.

I was afraid it would reanimate, unscrew the jar lid and come seeking revenge. We flushed it.

I lift the lid with caution, and sit the same way. Nhyhaarrgh.

Miss Muffet, hell.

Nghyyyaarrgghhclhh. Ngggh. Nggggh. Yyyygghllchh. (shudder. twitch.) Nngggnh.

I just started downstairs to put Mom to bed. I opened the door to the landing, which is in the house, at the top of her living room stairs. Something dark flitted across the top of my vision. I thought it was a moth, since they do get in from time to time. And then I saw it. Not.a.moth. It was a freakin' spider.

I don't actually mind spiders. I have a couple of "pets" on the deck that I'm careful not to harm, since they stay put and I know where their webs are, and they catch the bitey bugs. I even think they're rather attractive, in their gaudy striped suits. I've always captured spiders inside, when I could, or could talk a more dextrous kid into it, and put them out. I only kill when the buggers won't be caught, and I always spare a little regret.

This was freakin Shelob. Black, solid dense black as so few spiders actually are, and damn fuzzy, like it was a flocked toy. Not Shelob-like in that the legs were long in proportion to the body, which was the frippin size of my thumb.

Ngyghaaahh. Nyyergh.

So I whipped back inside and called H, who had just gone to bed. "Wha?"

I raised my voice and spoke clearly. "Get.your.glasses. Get.your.shoes. Put.them.on. Get.the.swatter. Come.here." That got him. He appeared at my side in short order, armed and wide awake. "What?"

"Spider.Black.Fuzzy.Huge. Git 'im," I pointed. He stepped out onto the landing and looked where I had pointed. For a long time without saying anything.

"I did NOT dream it."

"I see it." Wham! Wham! WHAMWHAM!

He walked back in with the corpse on the outstretched swatter. It twitched. Gnyarghh. The legs were two and a half inches long, easy. Plus the body--three-quarters if not an inch wide. We're talking roughly six inches, people, dead black, no markings, and freakin' fuzzy. In calmer times I might have put it in a jar and tried to identify it.

I was afraid it would reanimate, unscrew the jar lid and come seeking revenge. We flushed it.

I lift the lid with caution, and sit the same way. Nhyhaarrgh.